> ## Content Index > Fetch the complete content index at: https://www.charleneistryingtowrite.com/llms.txt > Use this file to discover other available public pages before exploring further. # In Kindergarten - URL: https://www.charleneistryingtowrite.com/in-kindergarten/ - Published: 2026-10-01T04:11:26.000Z - Updated: 2026-10-01T06:30:37.000Z - Description: I was 5 when I faced my first bout of aggression at the hands of a future man. And, like most women, it was certainly not the last... Because, after all, we are reminded of the constant question: who are they going to believe? - Author: Charlene Holkenbrink-Monk, Ph.D. - Tags: violence against women, women, justice, being a woman, Equality, Equity TW: Violence, sexual violence, assault, gender based violence I was 5 when I faced my first bout of aggression at the hands of a future man. And, like most women, it was certainly not the last. For whatever reason, M\* hated me. We barely interacted, except occasionally at recess, where the boys would chase the girls eagerly, and the girls would scream and run away. I never understood it and usually avoided it, either staying inside the classroom or sitting near the garden by the exit gate. But M\* hated me. He would go out of his way to walk by me and elbow me. Or he would try tripping me when standing in line. The one time I tried telling an adult, she told me, in typical fashion that is the 90s, "He must have a crush on you," and maybe he did, but I certainly didn't feel very liked. While I'm sure there are plenty of interactions I could pull from, I was 5 after all, and there is one interaction that vividly stands out above all. I was standing by the chain-link fence near the garden where I would typically sit, quietly and alone. Little neurodivergent Charlene was never the greatest at socializing except with folks who I already knew well. I leaned against the fence, and M\* walked over to me, shoving me into the metal. My shoulder immediately hurt, and it was evident as I yelped ow. Trying to grab my shoulder, M\* leaned in and pushed me into the fence again, this time grabbing my shirt near my neck, leaning his forearm against my chest. I'm sure what M\* muttered next was something he must have witnessed, something I can reflect on now. But, when a classmate, who is also 5 or 6 years of age, looks you in the eye while his arm is against you and says, "I'll see you in hell," you're confused, overwhelmed, scared, and emotional. This isn't a one-and-done situation in my life. I was a freshman and in high school band. A person who was very respected had me stay in the band room while others left to go outside for practice. While he and I were alone, he grabbed me by my wrists and dragged me closer, forcing me to fall into him, trying to get me to sit on his lap while facing him. At the time, being 14 and because he was older, I froze and certainly didn't realize the severity of this. As he held me and wouldn't let me go, he looked right at me and said, "Remember, I'm \[saying his name\]. You tell anybody, and it's me against you. Who do you think they'll believe?" He gripped my wrists harder, pulling me even closer, which I didn't realize was possible until that moment, until he heard somebody drop something just outside of the band room. Alas, I have never, ever told a person this before, sharing it now here because I was terrified. If I spoke up and tainted his image, how the hell would that make me look? They certainly won't believe me because he's right. And what happens if I'm wrong? What if I did something that warranted this, and then somehow, it comes out that I appear promiscuous? Being 14, I had never even kissed a person and had a total of two crushes in my life. And, being Catholic, the last thing I wanted was to make myself, or others, look like some horrible person. So I held onto that, now for 24 years, because, even today, I never wanted to admit that this could possibly be a horrible act. Meanwhile, he occasionally appears on my suggested friends list, reminding of who he is, living his life, and I hold this secret and have. And even as I write this and share this, I can only imagine there will be some folks who will doubt me, and while I can assure you this happened, the incessant need to disbelieve women sharing their experiences abounds. Yet, these are not the only stories of violence I have experienced. For many years, I thought that I had never experienced "real" violence at the hands of a man, not the kind we see in the news, of course. Social media can be a cesspool, there is no doubt, in many ways it has allowed me to also make sense of the world and my experiences, realizing that perhaps what I did face was not right, even if it has been *normalized* in the context of violence against women. And yes, nobody is doubting at all that men can face abuse; they absolutely can. But the numbers do say that there is an overrepresentation of violence against women, especially when 45.1% of women have faced contact sexual violence in their lifetime (CDC, 2025), and the UNODC (United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime) estimates that 137 women and girls were killed daily by intimate partners or family in 2024 (2025). Meanwhile, the WHO reports that about 840 million women have faced partner or sexual violence in their lifetime (2025). And, the WHO's numbers begin documenting these acts of violence for girls as young as 15 and into adulthood. These numbers are devastating, and we see that they aren't changing, be it in the United States or globally. For example, in Spain, a country near and dear to my heart, 38 women have been killed by partners or ex-partners so far in 2026, adding to the 1,379 women killed since the country began tracking in 2003 (Ministerio de Igualdad, 2026), and complaints of gender violence to the courts rose about 6.4% in the first quarter of the year (CGPJ, 2026). And these are "just" acts of violence and crime in general. Numbers of sexual violence specifically, which the data above I mention makes a nod to, are just as staggering. In the United States, about 1 in 5 women (21.0%) have experienced rape (be it completed or an attempt) in their lifetime (CDC, 2025), and only 24% of rapes and sexual assaults are reported to police (Bureau of Justice Statistics, 2025). Now, in 2026, we are witnessing yet another reality that women face, and in higher education, a space supposedly filled with academic integrity, intellectualism, and theory that we read like bell hooks, Paulo Freire, and Patricia Hill Collins, used at some keynote speech organized by or shared by administrators who declare equity as a vital necessity backed by some random initiative; meanwhile, behind closed doors, state programs and efforts doing real, community-based work are shut down or ignored. Because, the "Cornell 7," or as it should be, at minimum called, the Cornell 57, to hold accountable all of the men who were in the chat and did nothing, are not new, yet another symptom of a larger systemic reality that institutions of higher education often still function within the sphere of misogyny and neoliberalism. Because if somebody is bringing in money, providing money, or contributing to an image, they'll be protected and shielded. And this is not to say that what we are witnessing is okay, but rather that this is normalized, especially in a country where we justify vulgar language toward women, elect a president who clearly shares sentiments that condone this behavior by saying terrible things about female anatomy, and where the question, still, that is relevant, if somebody was drunk or wearing "inappropriate" clothing. In 2014, Emma Sulkowicz carried a mattress around Columbia's campus from September 2014 until May 2015, up until they graduated, calling attention to the fact that their accused rapist was still on campus. And, that was accepted due to the fact that the Title IX process found Paul Nungesser not responsible for *raping a person.* And while he sued because of the "performance," get this, Columbia *settled with him.* And sure, they found him not responsible, but the institution's process absolutely failed Emma. Meanwhile, *The Hunting Ground* is an entire documentary highlighting these same patterns, namely the experiences of Andrea Pino and Annie Clark, from UNC Chapel Hill, as well as Erica Kinsman, along with others across major institutions who do nothing to fix the culture that justifies and sustains violence. And while the documentary did, of course, receive backlash and criticism, *it* nonetheless further highlights the immediate reaction to question reporting on the violence women face, with little to no institutional accountability. And even though we've deemed them the Cornell 7, I also find it frustrating, given the longstanding pattern of using language like this, such as the Central Park Five (now Exonerated Five), or the Chicago 7, whose convictions were overturned; meanwhile, we use the same language now for a group who, with enough evidence, have had the case reopened. The language and word choice the media uses is enough for us to draw comparisons and question intent around this framing. So as the discussions and narratives are everywhere in the media and plastered through social media, and I have to go to work every day and teach my students about justice while they sit in their chairs and at their desks at another institution, I am constantly reminded of the realities we face on our own and within our small communities, but also of the lack of support institutions provide or offer for *"their"* people. For each other. For the real work around equity and justice. I hold secrets like those in the band room or M\* who continued to shove me, other acts of abuse that I have faced and ignored, dismissed myself, pretending that the hands that held me against the wall or broke my phone so I couldn't call anybody for help were never abuse or violence, but rather a misstep in what I did, in what I asked, or how I should have reacted differently. While my experiences are not nearly as extreme or violent as others, though I left out some of the more serious interactions in my life, they still represent the culture around dismissal and violence. And I am reminded, by the horrific comments in the media when the more violent situations arise, that my daughter may read those someday, or your daughter, my students read them, our aunts and mothers and neighbors, and these are the contributing factors to why people never speak up. And yes, false accusations exist; there is no denial of that, but *that is not what I am talking about*. However, because of the nature of misogyny and institutional betrayal, I feel required to say that, because it is evident we know they exist, but they are not representative of the realities women face day in and day out. Because, after all, we are reminded of the constant question: who are they going to believe? \*Initial for anonymity ## Sign up for Charlene is Trying to Write Trying to write about life, connection, research, and stories. Daily. All the time. While juggling the chaos of everyday life. Subscribe Email sent! Check your inbox to complete your signup. No spam. Unsubscribe anytime.